blame it on la

As I spend my days nestled in the relative safety of my comforter, experimenting with recipes I see on the Food Network (Giada DeLaurentis I really do love you), and wondering how many loads of laundry I can do with 17 quarters. I sometimes forget things happen outside of this happy place I call "Big Will Manor." At no time was this point clearer to me than on the day I decided to venture out to spend time with a friend of mine who happens to live down the street. A big part of surviving while your job is on hiatus is finding another person who's also home all day everyday. It's a mental health imperative. In case your wondering, people who work from home count too. In this particular situation we had both, so there were three of us. We were hanging out and talking about, well, probably nothing really when one of my friends casually mentions that there had been a carjacking some days ago in between our mutual blocks. Had I not already been reclined, I more than likely would have been floored. Mostly because it's not like we live in Compton! I mean, I don't think there is anyone on the planet who can boast the amount of C-List Soap Stars I see in my local grocery store everyday! So I was shaken (well, sort of).

It took a few weeks, but I finally came to grips with the fact that I apparently now live in South Central LA. Ok, maybe it's not that bad, but still, you'd think that I'd be hyper-vigilant after hearing such a terrifying tale, but lucky for me, there was no need since I rarely go anywhere, but then it happened again! I was with my friend enjoying a quiet and wholesome evening of light beer and biscuits when she hits me with "OMG! I was totally almost carjacked last night!" I was all "GET OUT!" She went on to explain that it was late at night, she'd gotten into her car when she saw a man step out of the shadows, with his had behind his back, creeping towards her and her parked car. Scary right? Well, the story ends with a NASCAR style, peel out that involved some sort of awesome reverse maneuver and then a smoky tired escape. Other than being traumatizing, it was all good.

After hearing those two stories I started thinking about the whole carjacking thing and I can't figure out what it's all about. I know I'm no gangster, and I know that short of providing 50 cent with his 10th bullet wound, I'll never have any type of street cred, but WTF? I just don't get it. It seems to me that that people who carjack people on the street when there isn't an emergency are the sorriest posers EVER! There aren't many excuses for jacking a car. Although I think as with anything, there can be extenuating circumstances. For instance, I understand if say, you rob a bank, and maybe you stayed in the bank a little too long and your crew took off in the van and left you behind. Well, duh! You're stuck in the middle of daytime traffic with a duffel bag full of money on your back, shooting up the sidewalk with your semi-automatic and you need to get away. Well, yes! You should be allowed to jack cars! I say, "Do whatcha gotta do, you have carte blanche, jack away my friend. Jack away." I'm more than cool with that.

What I have a problem with, are the cranked out douchebags who hang out in alley's waiting for a person to unlock, get in, and then start their cars before finally making their move. What kind of sense does that make?! These people have to be the lamest, laziest criminals ever! I mean stealing cars is as old as well...cars. I'd call it an art form but for some reason I don't even think it's that hard. I mean they make tools specifically for stealing cars! How hard can it be?! Have we come to the point now where car thieves don't even know how to execute their crime of choice?! I've slept through a few classes in my day, but I'm quite sure that if my chosen profession was car thief, I'd pay attention and learn how to do it. This is why this country is so far behind everyone else! We invented the horseless carriage but refuse to learn how to steal one? I'm embarrassed! Just sayin'. Oh, and also, I saw Menace II Society, there's no excuse for jacking someone at the drive-thru for their rims and a double burger with cheese either, although that was a damn funny scene.When I was little I used to love to watch movies and see how cool the bad guy was. I mean they were never dumb, never lazy, they had cool lairs and awesome private monorails. When push came to shove they reached down and grabbed a handful of wires and started the car before peeling out in the city streets. It makes me sad that I'd probably be less afraid of criminals if they took their work more seriously.

Ok, so it may seem like I've been writing a lot about commercials lately. Well, I have, but there's a perfectly good explanation for that. Turns out that the lovely program that provides me with both my bread and my butter is on hiatus until the beginning of the year. Loosely translated that means that my days consist mostly of rolling out of bed, carrying my duvet to the couch, preparing my nutritious breakfast of oatmeal, bananas and chocolate syrup, and then watching The View to see if Sherri Shepard will try to make an argument against trees producing oxygen. Once I'm done with that I always look forward to my daily paternity update on Maury. I can't stress it enough people, knowledge is power and I just know that one day I'm going to meet someone on the street and be able to say "OMG! I totally know who your father is! Your mom was awesome when she jumped up and did the splits after the test proved Cantrone really was your daddy! Good luck to you and make sure he takes care of his responsibilities!" See had I not had the information, that whole exchange would have been pretty awkward! I just like to do my part.

I've learned so much watching daytime television and I'm not afraid to say that I love it, after all making it is my chosen profession. For example did you know that there are schools or "colleges" out there that will let you attend classes even without a high school diploma or a GED? They're awesome, they'll work with you before work, they'll work with you after work. Hey, they don't want you to do it for your mom, not for your kids. No! They want you to go for you! All you have to do is make the call! As a matter of fact, some of America's best and brightest video game designers are alumni of a few of these esteemed establishments. No, really! Look!
Dude! Sweet! Dude! Sweet!

See! If I was sitting in an office somewhere like some douchebag, I would have never found out about this awesome institution and all the opportunities it has to offer! I just wish someone would have told me about these super schools when I was trying my hardest to get on the bottom of the honor roll. Well, I like to spread the word, so that others don't have to suffer the injustices of getting a secondary school diploma the way I had to. If your money isn't tight, but it's just not right, then check this out and don't ever say that I didn't give back!

I love to learn, and since I rarely leave my apartment, I'm thinking my world view as seen through the eyes of Maury Povich and Jerry Springer guests may be becoming a little skewed, but I'm confident and emboldened by the fact that when I decide to reintegrate myself back into society and maybe think about a career change, there are places that I can go. Not many know this about me, but I've always had kind of a fascination with gun smithing. So I know I have a future, as long as I can bring my comforter.

Ahhhhhh. So I created this little corner of the Internet to rail against the unfairness of circumstance (specifically mine) and the fact that I hate Los Angeles. Rest assured, I've not wavered in my mission as the varying degrees of irrational emotion I have about this place would take an army of psychiatrists decades to unravel. I will say this however, things are looking up. Why you ask? Mostly because, like my idol Snake Plisken, or Kurt Russell if you're too cool to love on the B movies. I managed to escape from LA, if only for 7 way too short days. It's true though. I some how managed to pack a bag, hop a plane, gird myself for the ridiculous long term parking fees and get the heck out of Dodge. For the record, it was awesome.

My home state status may be considered a little sketchy by some, given that I never actually lived in the United States until I was 19, but I think it's fair and in no way out line to say that New York City, and especially the borough of Brooklyn are what I would consider to be my home. One week is nowhere near enough time to return after 2 years in exile and try to reconnect with all the people you've missed during your time serving ungrateful super models and ducking wildfires.

No question, my return to the NYC was the best vacation I've had in my life, and I like to think I've had a few (by "think" I mean "know"). You know you're home when the minute you get back it feels like you never left, except for that nagging voice that keeps asking why you left in the first place. Lucky for me I was able to shut that little bugger up toot sweet.

Anyway, to celebrate my renewed love affair with my home, I decided to make a list of things that make New York rule and by transitive property make LA suck. Ok, here we go.

1. New York's energy is second to none, it's as alive at 5am as it is at 5pm

2. Unlike Los Angeles if you walk someplace in NYC it doesn't automatically mean you're homeless, turns out everyone walks, because we have legs!

3. Bars are open way past 2am...nuff said

4. You can walk outside and hail a cab, none of this "it'll be there in 15 minutes" crap, unless you choose to of course.

5. The Subway actually takes you places! Would someone PLEASE explain the LA subway system to me? I just don't get it.

Um, nice subway LA

6. Not that I eat them, but bread products like pizza and bagels taste like pizza and bagels in New York. I never thought I'd buy into the whole "the water makes the dough taste different" thing. I was wrong, and I certainly didn't know that "taste different" meant "tastes like paper." Hey LA, fix the water! Gosh!

Mmmm...I used to like bagels

7. The architecture consists of more than strip malls and donut shops that sell Chinese food. No really, dirty left over buildings from the 70's with nail salons and English as a Second Language classrooms have never been that sexy to me.

8. New York has amazing public parks that people actually want to go to, no it's true!

Prospect Park, Brooklyn

9. The anorexic to eating person ratio in New York City is about a quarter of that to the ratio in the city of angels. LA, please make it stop, NYC ladies are so much hotter. Turns out eating is healthy.

10. Sure it's an easy one, but would you believe? New York looks different with every season..turns out there are no palm trees, and it snows! I never thought in a million years I'd be caught up in a dust storm...in January.

There are a million more, but I think I made my point. Anyway, while I'm not particularly glad to be back, I'll forever covet the experience of going back. Until the next time at least.