blame it on la

As I spend my days nestled in the relative safety of my comforter, experimenting with recipes I see on the Food Network (Giada DeLaurentis I really do love you), and wondering how many loads of laundry I can do with 17 quarters. I sometimes forget things happen outside of this happy place I call "Big Will Manor." At no time was this point clearer to me than on the day I decided to venture out to spend time with a friend of mine who happens to live down the street. A big part of surviving while your job is on hiatus is finding another person who's also home all day everyday. It's a mental health imperative. In case your wondering, people who work from home count too. In this particular situation we had both, so there were three of us. We were hanging out and talking about, well, probably nothing really when one of my friends casually mentions that there had been a carjacking some days ago in between our mutual blocks. Had I not already been reclined, I more than likely would have been floored. Mostly because it's not like we live in Compton! I mean, I don't think there is anyone on the planet who can boast the amount of C-List Soap Stars I see in my local grocery store everyday! So I was shaken (well, sort of).

It took a few weeks, but I finally came to grips with the fact that I apparently now live in South Central LA. Ok, maybe it's not that bad, but still, you'd think that I'd be hyper-vigilant after hearing such a terrifying tale, but lucky for me, there was no need since I rarely go anywhere, but then it happened again! I was with my friend enjoying a quiet and wholesome evening of light beer and biscuits when she hits me with "OMG! I was totally almost carjacked last night!" I was all "GET OUT!" She went on to explain that it was late at night, she'd gotten into her car when she saw a man step out of the shadows, with his had behind his back, creeping towards her and her parked car. Scary right? Well, the story ends with a NASCAR style, peel out that involved some sort of awesome reverse maneuver and then a smoky tired escape. Other than being traumatizing, it was all good.

After hearing those two stories I started thinking about the whole carjacking thing and I can't figure out what it's all about. I know I'm no gangster, and I know that short of providing 50 cent with his 10th bullet wound, I'll never have any type of street cred, but WTF? I just don't get it. It seems to me that that people who carjack people on the street when there isn't an emergency are the sorriest posers EVER! There aren't many excuses for jacking a car. Although I think as with anything, there can be extenuating circumstances. For instance, I understand if say, you rob a bank, and maybe you stayed in the bank a little too long and your crew took off in the van and left you behind. Well, duh! You're stuck in the middle of daytime traffic with a duffel bag full of money on your back, shooting up the sidewalk with your semi-automatic and you need to get away. Well, yes! You should be allowed to jack cars! I say, "Do whatcha gotta do, you have carte blanche, jack away my friend. Jack away." I'm more than cool with that.

What I have a problem with, are the cranked out douchebags who hang out in alley's waiting for a person to unlock, get in, and then start their cars before finally making their move. What kind of sense does that make?! These people have to be the lamest, laziest criminals ever! I mean stealing cars is as old as well...cars. I'd call it an art form but for some reason I don't even think it's that hard. I mean they make tools specifically for stealing cars! How hard can it be?! Have we come to the point now where car thieves don't even know how to execute their crime of choice?! I've slept through a few classes in my day, but I'm quite sure that if my chosen profession was car thief, I'd pay attention and learn how to do it. This is why this country is so far behind everyone else! We invented the horseless carriage but refuse to learn how to steal one? I'm embarrassed! Just sayin'. Oh, and also, I saw Menace II Society, there's no excuse for jacking someone at the drive-thru for their rims and a double burger with cheese either, although that was a damn funny scene.When I was little I used to love to watch movies and see how cool the bad guy was. I mean they were never dumb, never lazy, they had cool lairs and awesome private monorails. When push came to shove they reached down and grabbed a handful of wires and started the car before peeling out in the city streets. It makes me sad that I'd probably be less afraid of criminals if they took their work more seriously.