blame it on la

So, I grew up in that ambiguous period between the 80's and 90's. It sort of puts me in the unique position of rocking out to the tail end of one era and the very beginning of another. That may just make me awesome. Here are the facts, it turns out, I'm a music lover. I love it all. Rock, wave, punk, metal, pop, hardcore, techno, you name it. I mean, I'd be lying if I didn't admit to enjoying the occasional country ditty. Lucky for me, I'm in my early 30's which I believe gives me license to no longer care what people think about my musical choices. Having said that, I'm wondering if anyone has tickets to the Hootie and the Blowfish show next week.

Here's what I really remember. Those days where metal, specifically hair metal was playing itself out, you know, when at first it ruled and then it became a caricature of itself. I'm not saying I didn't love the music, in fact I almost peed on myself last year when Kevin Dubrow of Quiet Riot knocked me over coming out of the bathroom in the Houston airport, and no there was no foot tapping or hand touching involved! Looking back, it was probably just because I hate using airplane bathrooms and it was a long flight...not the point. The fact is I've probably done more to keep these aging good time rockers alive and eating than their own families, still not the point. I think we all know what I'm really talking about. I'm talking about that sad period when every one's favorite ballerina Kip Winger was "headed for a heartbreak", when Warrant had their "Cherry Pie," when Motley Crue replaced Vince Neil with John Corabi. Yes, those days. When we all knew it was basically over.

It's no secret what killed the hair metal, I mean other than the communists. By 1990 glam rock had become the musical equivalent of a Twinkie. Sure it tasted good going down, but what exactly were we getting out of it? Just a bunch of empty musical calories. By 1991 when Nirvana broke with "Smells Like Teen Spirit" I think we all felt so bad and dumb for listening to music that only made us feel good, that it was easy to accept and act on the feigned and prefabricated angst that the record companies convinced us we'd been ignoring all of our lives. Who knew that apparently we all had problems that we'd been covered up by the Soma like effects of the lyrics of Bret Michaels and Paul Stanley. Weird what you miss out on when you don't know you're supposed to be miserable.

I remember the backlash was swift and harsh, almost as bad as when America turned it's back on it's other forgotten mistress, let's call her "Disco" and if we're being honest and keeping it current, I might even say boy bands, but whatever. I'm sure not many people remember that in 1993, hair metal poster boys Poison, like Motley Crue, released a new album with a new member. That album was called Native Tongue. Poison's previous album Flesh & Blood sold 8 million copies, whereas Native Tongue barely managed to sell 500,000 copies. Oddly Pearl Jam's Ten still manages top move almost 20,000 units a week. Even as most of these party bands tried to mature, it seems the nation was still suffering from the guilt of spending a decade being happy and missing the memo that music was supposed to "mean something."

So, now it's 2007 and music is all over the place. There is no universal message. Sure you have your emo, your alternative, your pop, nu-metal, neo-soul, but it's all pretty much the same crap. Rap is the new hair metal, instead of singing about partying and sexing (which they actually do), we listen to songs about Bentley's, bling, and yachts. It's all just a big ol' cartoon. Let's be honest, with lyrics like "Na Na My Sex Drive all Night like a Trucker." Really? That's kinda hot Foxy! Good thing I don't have kids. Oddly, it's not even the irony of the cycle that bothers me. The whole reason for this rant is because, the other day I saw a commercial that reminded me of exactly why I thought all those hair metal songs ruled in the first place, because they were GOOD SONGS! I'm not the biggest fan of Microsoft, but you can't tell me that the Xbox 360 commercial featuring a chorus of children singing Nothing But A Good Time" by Poison isn't awesome. No seriously. It's so sublime that it took me me two viewings to figure out that I was hearing a preschool version of a song that helped carry me through my past. It didn't make me want an XBox 360, but it definitely made me realize that no matter what anyone says, I have awesome taste in music. See for yourself.
click here to see Poison's original masterpiece

There will never be a time that I like this city, that's just a given. However, every now and then something cool does happens here. I would say this is top secret, but it's common knowledge to anyone who knows, me. Yes, I have a soft spot for hair metal. I can't help it, there's just something about listening to songs that are only about partying and disillusioned young girls turning into prostitutes moments after they stepped off the bus, that just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Hey people, I still sport my Poison shirts with pride and without a hint of irony. Thank you very much!

It is with this state of mind that I recount a story as well as a mystery that I discovered this past weekend. It was last Saturday and I decided that instead of feeling sorry for myself at home, I may as well take my victim act on the road. It was about 90 degrees and as I like to do on such days, I thought to myself "Let me do what I always do when it's nice out. Get drunk outside." Clearly outdoor drinking is one of my favorite past times, but there was a dilemma, where to go? I jumped in my car and decided to waste some gas while cruising for the appropriate spot to accomplish my mission. Here comes the good part. While driving down the Sunset Strip, I past the world famous Whiskey-A-Go-Go and almost caused a 228 car pile up when I saw the marquee. The sign read "CRUEFEST." There was no information, so I sped home and looked it up (like I always do) and found out it was an all day concert featuring bands who have been "influenced" by hair metal Gods, Motley Crue! That's pretty much all I needed.

I threw on my best conservative "I'm so down with this scene, no really, I am" outfit that may have involved some jeans and a motorcycle t-shirt and made my way back to the hair metal mecca in the heart of Hollywood. I could't believe my luck when I got there as the band who was on "Rock-N-Roll Junkies" were playing nothing but Crue covers. I later found out that the lead singer was actually the son of Motley Crue lead singer Vince Neil, which I thought was kind of weird. Does anyone else think it's strange for the son of a still touring and recording rock star to be in a band that only plays covers of his father's music? That's neither here nor there, because as creepy as it was, they were pretty darned good. In fact, all the bands i saw that night were good, some of them even had their own songs don'tcha know.

So what's the mystery you ask? Well, One thing I know, is that the Sunset Strip is basically a time capsule and on Saturday night, when you enter the zone, you're pretty much crossing the line back into 1985. I'm not sure where these people come from with their teased hair, snakeskin spandex, cowboy boots, and fringe jackets, but they're there, and there are a lot of them. Hey, that's cool too. What blew me away was the amount of What I can only describe as Hair Metal Grandmas that I saw. Nope, not joking, these ladies in their late 40's and 50's decked out like they were 17. I swear I stood behind a woman in a thigh length skirt and halter top who was straight up BALDING! Oh, there's more, I've always known about mom jeans, but mom leather pants...with spiked belts?!?! C'mon grams, I asked you not to go out like that! I don't hate on any of these people, but holy cow they're funny. Again, I really just want to know where they come from. Sure i'm making fun of them, but the truth is, they actually fit in much better than I did, which is also scary. I suppose in the end, I have to give props to those who live their lives with no apologies, I guess I could even take a lesson or two from them. Unfortunately, i don't know where to find them during the week. Sigh.