blame it on la

BIt's been a slow week. Ok, sure, there were a few earth shattering events. Britney Spears taught us that you really can't go home again, at least not if you've just polished of an Ambien, Xanax, and Oxycontin cocktail or two. I've certainly learned a few things about bikini sizing, which I appreciate. We were also treated to a new season of "The Biggest Loser" which NBC inexplicably debuted on September 11th, random? Only if you say so. But hey, that's all kid stuff when you think about what really happened this week! The world's most famous aquitted celebrity Killer, OJ Simpson came crashing back on the scene! That guy's publicist is clearly working overtime. First, his extraordinary and flawless "fictional" account of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman's brutal, foresicaly prestine murder has managed to climb to the number one position on Amazon.com! Way to go OJ! It just proves that with hard work, a stunning lack of self-awareness, bad knees, and a kitchen knife, you can accomplish even the what may seem at the time to be the most impossible of goals.

The thing with OJ, is that as a professional athlete, he clearly has the heart of a champion. He's no Britney! Oh no! OJ knows that you have to go big or go home! If you didn't come to win, don't come at all, and I have to say that I admire that about him. When you want a proper comeback, you can't just lethargically wander around a stage lip-syncing in your underwear, heck no, especially if your not new to the fame game. Established stars need an event, something hot, something no one else at your level has done before. I've certainly had my share of wacky ideas, but wow OJ. I have to say that breaking into a hotel room with two thugs while running your own "Sting Operation" falls just this side of genius. Quite honestly, if I heard someone had one of my suits and was planning to sell it, I might be tempted to do the same. Go big or go home people! Sure, OJ may be a double murderer, with a funny limp, a pumpkin head, and a loose grip on reality, but seriously I have to admire his tenacity. I'm just waiting for his next project, I hear it's an album of ballads produced by Phil Spector.

Wow! What a week! LA never ceases to amaze me! I have to wonder how this city does it. How exactly does it take and transform seemingly normal people into morons that apparently have no sense; common or otherwise. Up until now I guess I've been too wrapped up in my own personal pity party to really pay attention, but it seems to me that LA has a unique ability to destroy almost everyone it touches. Fascinating.

Now I'm not the type to laugh at other people's misfortune. Hey, I don't even laugh when old people fall, and the last thing I want to do is give this place credit for entertaining me. I will admit however, the recent Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan drama has been more than a little amusing, even if it does just prove that LA really is the devil! Let's add up all the factors. Neither one of these ladies are LA natives, they've both been rumored to have talent, but most importantly they both managed to score Awesome magazine covers this week!

It's not all fun and games though. You know that whenever I finally get excited, something always has to come through and throw a monkey wrench in my program. Um, what's up with Lindsay trying to blame her late night drag race on the random black guy?! So lame Lindsay, so lame. In fact, I can only thnk of one thing lamer. Do I have to bust out the Marky Mark?

Charles was the culprit
The whole plot was an insurance scam
Charles and his brother came up with a plan
Kill Carol, collect a big check
Blame it on a black man, what the heck?

Fine, on the surface it looks like those lyrics have nothing to do with anything. Unless you have the foresight to look at the bigger picture. If there's one thing Marky Mark has always been good at, it's predicting the future! I'm pretty sure he knew the Funky Bunch was going to break up way before they did. Unfortunately fo these poor young ladies, the real issue is that according to The Oracle, or Mr. Mark, it seems that either Britney or Lindsay is going to end up killing someone for some insurance money. I'm not sure how we stop that, or which one it will be, but my money's on Britney, so watch out Sean Preston. Then again, it's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that a lady who pees with the door open and eats fried chicken could ever have anything but love (and cholesterol) in her heart. So I guess we'll have to wait and see.