blame it on la

New York is an amazing city with a bajillion things to do. There aren't many things here that you can't do. Unless you want to park your car for free. Other than that, anyone who lives here should count themselves as one of the lucky ones, I'm just sayin'. Having said that, an unfortunate byproduct of this city's unmitigated awesomeness is the fact that everyone wants to live here. Especially in or as close to the city as possible. Sadly this fact has led to outrageous rents and seemingly rocket fueled gentrification as developers and young professionals push further up an out in an effort to score themselves a piece of the island. A 2 bedroom apartment in Harlem can go for as much as $3,000 a month when 10 years ago it was hard to get a cab to take that far north. The same goes for Brooklyn. Sure Brooklyn is no Manhattan, but hey, it's got cache and for the most part it too rocks pretty hard. I'm pretty sure that no one will ever say that about Queens...just putting it out there, but still.

People will go through unbelievable lengths to secure an apartment in the city. In fact I know a person who couch surfed for a year while waiting for a dead man's apartment to be cleared out and get out of probate. The competition for a great place to live here is fierce and while I'm not currently looking for a place to live it's always nice to keep an eye open. I mean you never know if something is going to pop up. Stranger things have happened, or so I'm told.

One day I was minding my business, watching daytime TV like I do (it's my favorite) when what I can only describe as an interesting commercial for a moderately priced apartment complex called "Flatbush Gardens" came on. At first I ignored it, but it turns out this thing is ubiquitous and runs 17,000 times a day, What really piqued my interest while listening to this commercial in the background were the random and seemingly fantastical claims that were being made. Let's just say that they had some really interesting selling points. In the ad an apartment manager boasts that each apartment will be getting a $5,000 in appliance upgrades, but in the commercial the upgraded appliances look like they're from the 70's. At one point a lady; probably a tenant at gunpoint says something like "These apartments are gorgeous after we finish renovating them!" Really? What about before the renovation? It gets better! Each apartment comes with an "intercom system" to buzz in potential guests! To that I say "way to step it up Flatbush!" You'd think that with the fancy gas stove and the door buzzer they would be out of things to offer, but hold on to your hats, because, according to this commercial, Flatbush Gardens is close to everything...including...wait for it...the city!! Really? Including the city? Sign me up! If there is one thing I'm looking to be close to it's the city I live in, so that's going to work out nicely. Luckily "everything" was later revealed to be Chinese food, and McDonald's so that's all cleared up. Okay, one thing I did notice was that with this hype and these wonderful "amenities", they rarely show the actual buildings. I'd say that this is because when you do see them, the first thing that came to my mind was a project from a 70's blaxploitation film. The buildings were a little scary, but hey it's New York. The real question is, what would you pay to live in this urban wonderland a mere 45 minutes outside of the city? How about $1,140.80 for a 1 bedroom. Well, now it's just obvious that something is really wrong with this place. I mean that's the equivalent of a dollar in apartment money.

I decided I needed to do some research to see what I could find out about this little slice of heaven. Here's what I found. First of all I feel bad for going through this without providing and example of what I'm talking about, so here is the commercial. Sadly it's not the version that comes on a zillion times a day, but it'll do. I have to say every time i hear the little guy talk about how safe and wonderful the place is, it just makes me giggle.



Whew! Well after watching that enlightening commercial starring Opie and his wife, is there any reason why I wouldn't want to pack up my gear and move out there. I figured that in addition to research, I'd find what other people had to say about this overlooked urban wonderland. Since I'm in this for the greater good much like Oprah, I figured I'd share some of my most useful findings!

1. Anonymous says - This place is the worst. I had a 1 year lease and could not wait for it to end. It was like a jail sentence. From my initial move in day, I had issues. A person was always sleeping outside in my hallway. I had to call security, because they do not patrol the buildings. The courtyards are a mess, because the people who are they do not care about the property.

Hmm well, people sleeping outside your door..that's not so bad is it? Grow a pair douchebag!

2. Another Anonymous says - Flatbush garden only had name change about 3 yrs ago copying Maple Gardens logo. Before that it was called and still known as Vanderveer Estates. And I have lived there 35 year. They have gangs there was a woman was raped and killed on my floor they just recently finished renovating the poor woman's apartment. They have a rodent and roach problem and have been fined and sued because of neglect.
And they are charging for AC nows $339 or $369 for one , $669 for 2 units and and over $900 for 3 units .

Whatever dude, there is crime everywhere...cry me a river.

3. MS_GREEN says- I WOULD FEEL SAFE LIVING IN THE WILDERNESS WITH A PACK OF WOLVES AFTER ME EVERYDAY. THROUGHOUT MY 8 YEARS LIVING IN FLATBUSH GARDENS, I MUST SAY WERE THE ABSOLUTE WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE. THERE WERE SO MANY DEAD BODIES FOUND IN THE GARAGES AND ON ROOF TOPS OF THE BUILDINGS. IN ORDER TO HAVE ANY REPAIRS DONE, YOU'D HAVE TO GO THROUGH HELL IN ORDER TO GET ANYTHING REPAIRED. YOU MAY REMEMBER FLATBUSH GARDENS AS THE OLD "VANDERVEER ESTATES". I BELIEVE CHANGING THE NAME DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING BECAUSE THE NEIGHBORHOOD IS STILL THE SAME.

Okay Ms. Green! Holy capital letters, I think we can all read in sentence case just fine. Dead bodies on the roof and in the garage? It could totally be worse! Would you rather the bodies be in your apartment?

4. Fpecht has this to say - I cannot believe that there would exist even one person that would attest that these apartments are safe or clean....I live here and it is a nightmare....I've never been to prison or hell, but I'm imagining this is close.
The video is a farce. The hallways are full of litter and human pee and graffiti. Teenagers and other tenants use the hallways as extensions of their own apartments, getting high and having parties at all hours of the night.
If you don't mind excessive noise (people outside in the middle of the night partying), gunfire, hovering helicopters and sirens, this is the place for you. If you desire cockroaches, bedbugs,and mice as roommates, sign up, you have found your dream

Personally I have trouble sleeping when it's too quite, so hovering helicopters and sirens might be just what I need! So yes! Maybe I have found my dream!

5. Oh here's one - Yuppies go home! Thank you for coming and not really taking part in the neighborhood, judging and condemning our living methods (for those shocked by weed, naked chests, loitering in the hallway,... "we're hangin' out man, that's it!"), contributing to raising rents as well as people evictions and tree removals for beautification. People here are living a certain way so plan on integrating it or don't come here. I'm happy to be part of this neighborhood, some have been living here for decades and now feel happy that the place is safe but fear to have to go soon.
So to those comming to New York to live like in a TV show but have to end up in a place that you don't really like but you take it because you can't afford more: ---- YOU!! Go home! This is not Chelsea, this is East Flatbush. We don't want no coffee shop for y'all to hang out in there in the future.

Yeah losers! What's wrong with naked chests, weed and loitering in the hallway! Prissy bitches! what's wrong with "hanging out" man?!

So there you have it. If i wasn't planning on moving out there before, I'm definitely on my way now! It seems like a deal, and besides...it's close to everything!

So, before I came out to this western wasteland also known as LA, I'd heard about this mythical beast that some refer to as "California Casual." Let me explain. First, as I spend my days beating dead horses, I come from the east coast. When you go out in New York City, there is almost always a dress code that's just the way that it is. Turns out it's not like that here. Who knew that as long as you look relatively clean you can get into almost anyplace you want. Ok, i'm down with that. First of all, as a single man, I may or may not do laundry as often as I should, but other than that, I like to think of myself as a chill dude, I like to be comfortable when I go out, so the CC look is right up my little black alley. I was cool until 2 days ago that is. Let me set the stage. I was bored, and alone, and fiending for a little social contact. Is that so wrong? Does that make me a bad person? I only ask because I did a little research and my sources tell me that wanting to get drunk outdoors in the daytime fits perfectly into the "ok you're pretty cool" column.

On this very ordinary and sunny LA afternoon, I sauntered into my local watering hole to do what I do best. That would be "get my drink on". I was stoked to order my beer and have the bartender ask me for $2.75, score one for the black man! Who knew it was happy hour!? Feeling, sexy, thrifty and oh so very, very thirsty, I decided to take my tasty beverage outside to enjoy the California sun and some of the best darned smog this side of Milan. I took a seat next to an amorous couple who clearly needed a room and proceeded to drink my beer as I checked out the sights and sounds of Santa Monica Boulevard. I hadn't sat down for more than five minutes when a gentleman clad in a green windbreaker walked past me, made his way up the stairs of the balcony and plopped himself down right next to me. Since I'm only interested in talking to the ladies while I'm on loser patrol or "socially lubricated me time" as I like to call it, I didn't give my bar mate a second look. Until he started talking to himself. Hey man, that's cool. Self expression is always cool. Not gonna lie, I wasn't concerned until my man started drinking the drinks that people who'd been there before him had left behind. It was a full on "Hey man, do you mind if I lick out your glass?" situation. I continued to watch as my bar buddy began beg the other patrons to smoke the butt of their last clove cigarette. I kept my head down and then witnessed my bro start shooting snot rockets over the balcony into the street. Since I'm somewhat of a modern day super hero, I used my superior peripheral vision to take another look at "Mucus Man" and as I checked his dirty hands and three pairs of pants he was wearing, it slowly occurred to me that the reasonably dressed man next to me was not a California Casual hipster at all, but in fact a homeless man.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm as liberal as the next guy and I believe that everyone is entitled to a standard of living. All I'm saying is that at that moment, it felt to me that maybe California might want to reign in and revise their standards of dress to get into certain venues. I'm no elitist mind you, my standards are simple. It seems to me that if a person rolls up to a bar with a shopping cart, you might want to take a second look at that patron...hey that's just me. If said "customer" is wearing seven layers of clothing with mix matched shoes in July...once again...it might be time ot evaluate. If you notice your patron, walking down the bar and slurping down the foam from leftover beers, he may not be as hip as you think people. That's just my reality. My point is, at the end of the day all I could think was "WTF? Freakin' California Casual...LA you've done it again!"

Fortunately I've never been homeless and I'd hate to live a life where people cringe at the sight of me and overtly switch seats when I'm around, but hey man, I'm not paying $2.75 to hear some one's thoughts on being the new Messiah! California casual indeed. What else does this city have to offer? What's next? No seriously, I'm really curious.