blame it on la

And We're Back! Some might say that 62 days is a long time to go between posts on what's supposed to be a weekly blog, but to those people I say "what do you know?" Some might think that just because I fall asleep every night to commercials for vocational schools, and have started attending soap opera conventions on a monthly basis, that I some how have all the time in the world to write down my thoughts and come up with ideas. Well, they'd be wrong about that too. The fact is that living on unemployment is a full-time job, sure it's one that involves watching a lot of TV, but that doesn't make it any less serious.

You might ask, "Will, how can you compare sitting on your couch, watching TV and eating ice cream all day, to a full time job?" Well, anyone who has to ask that question has clearly never been unemployed in the state of California and they most certainly haven't been up against the most evil of all organizations, California's very own Employment Development Department or EDD which I believe is actually short for "Evil Doing Douchebags", but you have to reach a secret level of frustration and despair in order to unlock that name and be allowed to call them that...officially at least.

For those who don't know, EDD handles the unemployment claims in California, or so they say. This is an agency that is so rooted in evil, so secretive, so diabolical, so just plain shady, that you can't even go to their offices, unless they tell you where they are. No seriously, you actually have to wait until they send you a letter with the secret location on it in order to get an audience with them. Going to the EDD offices is like going to see the wizard, except there are no kindly scarecrows and rusty tin men; it's all winged monkeys and falling houses. No. Actually it’s worse.

My EDD nightmare began November 11, 2007. I remember it like it was yesterday, mostly because that’s when my world came crashing down. That was the day EDD told me my claim had expired and I'd need to refile I order to continue claiming my benefits. I thought "well that's odd, I've only ever gotten two checks...in my life" But since I still had some meat on my bones and was naive enough to believe the state wasn't going let me starve to death, I opted to go through the motions and fill out the paperwork. In the meantime, two of my friends told me that EDD had been withholding their checks as well, and had been for a very long time, because their "identities couldn't be verified" Truthfully all I really thought about that situation was "Gee, that sucks, guys. That's not gonna happen to me." Turns out I'm a cocky ass and I'm almost always wrong! One week later an oddly shaped envelope showed up in my mailbox with a letter asking me to send in a copy of my drivers license, a pay stub, a utility bill, a blood sample, and three fingernails in order to prevent any fraud in my claim and verify my identity. While I dutifully packed the envelope with the required materials it occurred to me that this may take a while as my friends had already taken a number for their tour in purgatory weeks before me and had yet to be served. I sent in my work on December 5.

December 20th was a warm day in Los Angeles, I'd say it was around 74 degrees. I walked outside and promptly stepped in a mud puddle courtesy of the perpetually sprinkling sprinklers the night before but that’s not what made this day so special. December 20th was special because it was the 5th day I hadn't eaten because EDD were still establishing who I was even though they'd been sending checks to my house forever apparently I’d changed form and now required investigating. I decided to try my luck and call EDD and low and behold, I got through! When I told them I'd sent the requested paper work in 15 days ago, they informed me that while yes they had received all of my materials 13 days before, the standard wait time is 15 business days and I was only on day 9, if we're talking business days. I could however write a letter and fax them my car bill, credit card statements, and if applicable, an eviction notice which according to EDD may or may not speed up the process.

After six weeks, a lot of crying, and an obscene amount of ramen noodles, I finally got a check on December 30th! I have a feeling it had less to do with the very sad letter I sent them and more to do with not wanting to be named in a lawsuit I was filing about my ridculously high sodium levels and my geyser like blood pressure. Ramen really does bring us together. Remember to only use half of the flavor packet, it may save your life.

I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that California tried to starve me to death, or that they had me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I mean I guess it could have been worse. I suppose I made it through because in the back of my head I always knew that I still had some cardboard boxes left over from my move that I could have lived in, had it come down to that. Thanks Cali, you're the bestest.